Why Is A Narcissist Stonewalling You So Agonising?  - (2023)

A narcissist stonewalling you is wholeheartedly rejecting to engage with you. That meanszerocommunication andzeroemotional interaction with you.

It’s agonising to be on the receiving end, particularly when your partner treats you that way. So when a narcissist goes quiet on you, they’re undoubtedly trying to hurt you.

It’s the silent treatment in its basic form because both acts involve no connection. However, stonewalling can manifest itself through multiple avenues.

What is narcissistic stonewalling?

A narcissist stonewalling you will immediately begin when you confront them with a discussion they don’t want to have. They will actively avoid responding to you and shut down the conversation before it’s even had a chance to start. As its name suggests, it’s like talking to a brick wall: you get nothing back.

It undoubtedly goes hand in hand with the silent treatment because the outcome is the same: ignoring you.The silent treatment by a narcissistcan sometimes occur without warning. Whereas a narcissist stonewalling you will happen directly after an interaction they want to stay away from.

When narcissists face accountability, they will ignore the subject you want to address, no matter your approach. They won’t answer your concerns, and instead, they will do everything in their power to discontinue the conversation.

Examples of a narcissist stonewalling:

• Not replying to text messages
• Avoiding your phone calls
• Walking away from you
• Dismissing your concerns
• Ignoring your questions
• Abandoning you
• Changing the topic of conversation
• Actively ignoring you, like texting during a discussion
• Refusing to talk about the topic

Is narcissistic stonewalling manipulation?

A narcissist will stonewall because they don’t want to deal with taking responsibility. It’s a form of manipulation as it helps them regain control of the situation. It’s predominantly experienced during the devalue stage of thenarcissistic abuse cycle.

Stonewalling and gaslighting

In the same manner asgaslighting, stonewalling is a preventative technique for narcissists to escape their current circumstances. It’s comparable to gaslighting because they are manipulative and help shift the blame from them. Additionally, you question whether you’re at fault for them inducing that behaviour onto you.

Stonewalling and gaslighting behave similarly by dismissing your concerns and making you feel invalidated. So they lead to the same outcome: you feel hurt, powerless and pushed away. In time, they contribute to your ability to think clearly.

Stonewalling andgaslightingare punishments for putting the perpetrator on the spot. They don’t like being in the firing line and will evade it at every cost. Remember that narcissists react out of defence because they don’t like feeling threatened.

So when you want them to take accountability for an issue, they will prey on your insecurities rather than responding. In turn, this makes them feel powerful. The manipulating tactics of stonewalling and gaslighting provoke a reaction from you, thus removing the limelight from them.

The effect of a narcissist stonewalling you is that they no longer have to discuss the problem with you. Shutting you out from attempting to have a healthy conversation is not normal behaviour. Furthermore, it can be mentally exhausting to experience such extreme efforts to avoid engaging with you.

Why do narcissists stonewall you?

An overt narcissist is likely to be more evident with their rage. On the other hand, a covert narcissist tends to discipline you with silence. Their weapon of choice is usually stonewalling.

Stonewalling is unacceptable behaviour and an immature response to handling difficult conversations. But unfortunately, it’s a common technique for narcissists to lash out with. So how do you take a narcissist stonewalling you?

Understand the narcissist’s stonewalling motive

Once you understand the motive behind stonewalling, you can learn how to respond to it and deal with it.

When a narcissist stonewalls you, they’re essentially looking for a reaction out of you. So when they end the conversation, they don’t want to discuss it. But they’re also using it as ammunition – they want to get a rise out of you.

Their punishing dismissal ignites many fears and worries in you. Your automatic reaction is to fight back and demand answers to your questions. But they’re not going to give that away.

Instead, the narcissist will either walk away from you, abruptly finish the conversation or start giving you the silent treatment. However, their silence is communicating control over you. It implies they want something from you.

3 reasons why a narcissist stonewalls you:

1. To control the conversation

Firstly they want to win back control of the conversation. They do this by generating uncertainty over how long their broken communication will last. It leaves you scrambling and worried because they deny you the answers you need for closure. Hence, their lack of input drives you to talk more to relieve the discomfort of their silence.

The ball is in their court because you can’t move on without a response. So their mind games encourage your participation to persuade them to open up to you. Your efforts morph the discussion to new levels as you struggle to find topics to entice their involvement with you.

Suddenly the conversation has evolved to no longer speaking about the original subject matter. Thus, it absolves the stonewaller from any responsibility because they’ve manipulated the situation in favour of themselves.

2. To prevent you from addressing the same subject again

Secondly, their stern reaction acknowledges that you’ve hurt them somehow. So they put up a wall as a defence mechanism that harms you. The stonewaller’s pain is communicating that they don’t want you to address that subject again.

They’re teaching you that there’ll be consequences for your actions. This means that should you bring up the same discussion in future – they’ll return to ignoring you again. So, you learn to associate abandonment with matters that are out of bounds for them.

3. Shift the blame onto you

Lastly, stonewalling helps narcissists shift blame onto you and remove them from the focus. Naturally, when someone mistreats you, you can’t help but think you might’ve done something wrong.

This causes self-reflection as you rewind the moments before they ignored you. You’re analysing your actions for what led to their maltreatment of you. Self-blame is a common outcome and is in line with the stonewaller’s goal of making you feel at fault.

If they can manipulate you enough to feel in the wrong, you’ll apologise to them. As a result, the narcissist has successfully deflected accountability onto you – they’re no longer the problem.

How to handle a stonewalling narcissist

The emotional effects of narcissistic stonewalling

Stonewalling is precisely psychologically controlling another person’s way of acting. It’s a way for narcissists to push your buttons and test your boundaries. It makes you retreat inwards and evaluate your emotions.

An initial thought is that you’re the root of the problem. You feel like you’re why they behave that way towards you. Understandably though, it’s hard not to take being ignored personally.

A partner cutting you off from trying to open up a dialogue with them is a brutal response. It ignites the sense that you’re undeserving of their attention and invalidates your feelings. This suggests you’re not of importance to them.

It’s common for anger and panic to set in as you struggle to recoup their affection again. It makes you feel unloved and like you’re invisible to them.

But, of course, that’s the result they’re hoping for. When a narcissist is stonewalling you, it gives you insight into what life without them may look like. They expect to instil the fear of not having them around anymore.

That fear becomes your motivation to stop them from treating you this way again. Thus, you strive to prevent their stonewalling methods — avoiding the same topic of conversation that led you there last time.

This undoubtedly evokes an unnatural pandering behaviour from you. You should be able to be your complete self with someone and not be punished for your honesty.

How do you respond to a stonewalling and silent treatment?

Stonewalling motivates the recipient to take action. So the best reaction you can give a stonewaller is no reaction.

Don’t allow them an insight into how you’re feeling. They feed off your response to them. So they can’t control you if you don’t give them access to your emotions.

You need to fake it until you make it and pretend that you’re ok. It’s not easy to do as you fight against your natural impulses. But it would help if you refrained from indulging in their underlying desires.

Pushing back with questions only results in further abuse from them. It allows them to continue ignoring you because it shows signs that you’re not letting the matter go. The more anger and panic you offer, the more power they have over you.

If you want the stonewalling to end, don’t enable it because that is how they continually get away with it. Instead, remain unresponsive and applythe grey rock methodto your interactions.

How to deal with a narcissist stonewalling you

Displace your efforts into yourself rather than chase a narcissist when they stonewall you.

When they ignore you, it gives you space from them. Use that time to heal the parts of you that they trigger.

Stonewalling can spark thefear of abandonment— mainly because you don’t know when it’ll end or if they’ll return. However, the unsafety that feeling brings can also highlight some unhealed wounds in you that may need attention.

People who fear abandonment typically hold on to unhealthy and abusive relationships. Their anxiety about being alone is more dominant than their need to leave their partner. The fear is also likely to develop from prolonged exposure to emotional abuse.

Use the time apart from them to work on fixing yourself and what you need. Invest in therapy if you can afford to; it helped my development massively.

Self-care is just as important. Unfortunately, we often neglect it when constantly pouring our energy into someone else. When you’re an empath, your needs tend to be forgotten and tossed aside. Narcissists prey on empaths because they’re more attentive to others than themselves.

Talking to women who had similar experiences to mine also helped me. When I connected to relatable stories, it comforted me. It helped me feel less alone in my recovery.

Of course, many resources are available to help people in their recovery. However, I felt like I craved connection with others who could validate my experiences. They helped me feel ‘normal’ again. I wanted to hear success stories from women who recovered and thrived again. I wanted to hope that things would eventually improve.

What is an example of a narcissist stonewalling?

Stonewalling is a means of inflicting severe mental pain on someone’s psyche. It imbalances your well-being in many ways.

Not knowing why someone is ignoring you or how long it could last drives you insane. The worry and stress it sparks can make you lose sleep, your appetite and your motivation to do anything. You might even revolve your whole day waiting around for a response from them.

In most cases, a narcissist stonewalling you derives from the feeling of discomfort. They’re incapable of expressing their emotions. So when they sense pressure or feel they might look bad, they attack you by shutting down. Their defensive reaction stems from a place of vulnerability, but they cannot communicate that to you.

If I ever brought up the topic of sex with my ex, he would immediately recoil. He worked away a lot, and naturally, I looked forward to reconnecting with him when he came home. But then, I noticed how infrequently he wanted to have sex with me. Yet every time I raised the issue, it would never go anywhere. If anything, I regretted bringing it up.

Understandably, I began looking inwards as to why he didn’t want to. Maybe I wasn’t attractive to him, or he didn’t love me anymore. I asked him if he had lost interest in me. Perhaps it was because there was someone else.

The conversation never left me with answers, just further doubt. It always ended the same way: feeling like he was punishing me for raising a legitimate issue.

Understanding narcissist stonewalling

Hindsight has helped me recognise and process the feelings I went through. But I’m not a psychologist, so I’m only speaking from my experiences and learning.

However, reading about narcissism and stonewalling has been relatable in comprehending that toxic relationship. In addition, it has helped me fill in many unanswered questions.

I assumed my ex disliked me confronting him about our lack of sex. Because if I ever dared to bring the subject up, he would avoid it and immediately stonewall me. He would shut the conversation down before it even started.

I now guess that was because he didn’t want my suspicions raised. He didn’t want me to uncover his serial cheating. Of course, if I had found out, that wouldn’t have painted him in a good light. And as I mentioned earlier, narcissists don’t like looking bad.

So his stonewalling reaction kind of makes sense to me now. It doesn’t excuse his behaviour, but it helped me get closure on our relationship. It also helped me understand the manipulative behaviours that he regularly subjected me to.

I only found out about his string of infidelity post break up. As well as the emotional abuse I’d been through. The narcissistic cycle of abuse ends in a discard, so it’s pretty standard for the ending to be abrupt.

I had no closure, and the break-up completely blindsided me. I, therefore, had a lot to figure out afterwards. I’ll never know for sure what really went on behind my back. But I didn’t need my ex to validate my feelings; after all, I lived it.

But I finally had a name for what I went through, which gave me clarity. My perspective was no longer clouded, and my confusing relationship was slowly beginning to make more sense.

Relate your stonewalling experiences

Ideally, I would like to make education on stonewalling and narcissism more understandable. I aspire to do that by blogging my story.

Hopefully people will learn and relate from my experiences and others. I don’t want people to see this type of abuse as normal and trivialised. Having lived it, I know how detrimental this abuse is to one’s well-being. I don’t want others to feel like I did.

Please don’t hesitate to connect with us if you need support. We know what you’re going through. We would love to help somehow, even if it’s just a listening ear.

Do you think you have experienced a narcissist stonewalling you? Comment below or get in touch via email at: info@salltsisters.com